Meet the Nanny

This is our ayi, Yu, and overall, she's great.

She has been a nanny for Westerners before so she comes with alot of understanding and experience with what I would be expecting. She needs to be trained about the things that are particular to Sydney, but she already knows the general things that nannies should know about. She is never late and often early getting here because she knows that I need to go to work. The first thing she does is say good morning to Sydney in both English and Chinese and then washes her hands. She keeps track on a piece paper the time Syd goes down for a nap and when she wakes up. When I ask her to take Sydney out to the playground, she knows to pack a sippy cup with water, grab a snack for Sydney and some tissues before they walk out the door. She does all of this without me telling her. She has good common sense, which you can't teach. She also cleans the apartment when Syd is asleep and does a good job cleaning.

My problem with Yu is that she feels really free to give her opinion or offer advice. I've been told here that it is a cultural thing, but it is still surprising (and off putting, to be honest with you) to have someone working for you on the first day telling you what your daughter likes or what she should eat. And continues to do so everyday. I already have Asian parents, I don't need this.

But my philosophy is that if it doesn't harm Sydney and doesn't undermine how I want to raise Sydney, then I can live with it. There some things that I insist on, like Syd's naps, wearing sunscreen and what food she can eat (I make Syd's lunch every day but I put all of the snacks that Syd can have in a box for Yu to choose from), otherwise I let Yu decides so that she feels free to rely on her instincts (which are good) and makes her feel more engaged in Syd's welfare. Yu insists on feeding Sydney bananas with a spoon even though when I'm here I tell her to let Sydney hold it. She doesn't like Sydney sucking her thumb and pulls it out of Sydney's mouth even though I've told her that its ok for Syd to do that. But I don't make a big deal about it and I don't worry about it.

However, my concern though is that if she's disregarding my preferences for her preferences about these things what else is she disregarding? I also worry that if she feels this bold after working for me just a couple of days, where will we be in a couple of months?

As it turns out, my concerns are valid because we've had 2 issues now that are important to me that she disregards. One of which is that she caters to Syd --- gives Syd everything Syd wants, picks Syd up at the first sign of a whine, she brings Syd food when she cries. She doesn't think that babies should cry. The challenge here is how to train Yu to recognize when Syd trying to test her boundaries or being manipulative and when Syd really needs comfort. I've tried to explain the difference to Yu but it is hard when we don't speak each other's language fluently. I did cringe though when I saw that Syd was upset that I wouldn't let her drink my diet coke, and she walks over to the kitchen where Yu is to throw her tantrum. And here comes Yu with food for Syd, which I make her take back into the kitchen. You can imagine what goes on in the house when I'm not here. It's not difficult for her to understand that she should not give Syd food to stop the crying so I know that she is just blatantly ignoring me.

The other issue is that when she puts Syd in her crib, Syd would cry and Yu would pick her up. Syd usually does not cry when I put her in the crib and the one time that she did cry, I just pat her on her bottom and within minutes, she's asleep. Yu and I have had conversations about Syd's sleeping habit and Yu knows, without a doubt, that I prefer Syd to sleep in her crib. But because Syd cries in her crib, Yu picks her up, rocks her and puts her on the floor to sleep. I've told Yu every day this week not to do that and she said she wouldn't. But I came home on Wed and Syd was sleeping on the floor. She once again explained to me that Syd cries when she is in the crib, and I once again explained what she needs to do about it. The consequence of Yu's sleeping arrangement for Syd is that it is taking Syd longer to fall asleep in the crib and she is crying more often because she's not used to the confined space. So I tell Yu again yesterday before I went to work that Syd needs to nap in her crib. I even asked Yu whether she slept on a bed at night or on the floor. She said her bed. When I asked her why, she said that the floor was too hard. I explained that it was the reason why I don't like Syd sleeping on the floor. I also told her about Syd having a hard time sleeping in her crib at night. Yu says she understands and will put Syd in her crib. But when I came home yesterday, Syd was just waking up from her nap and crying and I saw Yu quickly run into Syd's room. It was just the way that she did it made me follow her, and sure enough, she was picking Syd up from the floor.

It really pissed me off. I debated about calling her employment agency because, despite my complaints here, she is doing a good job of taking care of Syd and the apartment. I was worried about Yu being mad and taking it out on Syd by way of not being as loving with her. Plus, I'd have to fire her and get another nanny if she doesn't improve. This was her last chance. I don't want anyone working for me that doesn't think that they have to follow my instructions, especially when they are reasonable. I don't think that I could get another nanny as good as Yu (this problem notwithstanding). But I also feel like I need to establish myself as the employer in an emphatic way so that this problem doesn't get out of control.

I worried for nothing because Yu wasn't in a bad mood at all. She did ask me again how I put Syd to sleep and said that she will do the same. Syd was awake when I came home so I don't know whether she slept in her crib or on the floor. I know that there is no sure fire way to know whether the nanny is following everyone of your instructions (unless you have a nanny cam) but once you have evidence that she doesn't follow some of your instructions, it makes it hard to trust her.

But Syd really likes her. It only took 3 days before they started to bond. Syd still wants to be with me every second that I'm here, but she does reach for Yu to give her a hug and then reaches back for me to hold her. Syd used to cry so badly when I left that now Yu takes her outside to play on the playground as soon as she gets here. It's been raining the last 2 days so they couldn't go outside in the morning but Syd only whined a little as I leave for work. I've watched them on the playground from my balcony and Yu is very good with her. MUCH better than some of the other ayis that I've seen on the playground.

I know this post is already too long but I need to tell you about my imaginary husband. (You should have been at the wedding --- it was a small ceremony on the white beach of Bora Bora. He was dapper in his tux, and I was a vision in white). Yu assumed that I was married and I didn't dispel her of that notion for safety reasons. But also because it too complicated to explain it to someone who doesn't speak English and I don't know whether single mothers in China wear scarlet letters. I was worried that she wouldn't respect me as well if she knew I wasn't married. She did make a statement that I was lucky that my husband let me work. I hoped there was something lost in the translation but then again, this is China. Anyway, my dear, sweet husband is a very hard worker -- he leaves for work early in the morning and gets home late at night so that's why she hasn't seen him. If I need to, I'll have my friend Sam come over for roll playing. Sam's Chinese but we all look alike.

So when I called the employment agency to complain about Yu, I said that my very particular (but outrageously handsome) husband was very upset that Yu did not follow our instructions. He even threatened to find another ayi if Yu doesn't abide by our rules. What is a devoted wife to do but support her husband? Sydney isn't the only manipulative Nguyen in this apartment:))